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Today,
27 Mar 04
Rich island, poor island
by Neil Humphreys
neil@newstoday.com.sg
Take two islands and build casinos for the wealthy on
one and brothels for the poor on the other
IN Manchester in the mid-90s, bookmakers were as commonplace as prostitutes;
though they were rarely open for business at the same times. The thrill
of the gamble and the prospect of a clandestine meeting with a lady
of the night enticed many, but I was too poor to afford either. Being
a penniless university student, I had the same long-term prospects
as that of a Singaporean rat.
Every Saturday, my friends and I would bet a whole pound ($3) on the
Premiership match of the day before getting drunk on cheap cider.
A similar fuel is used in helicopter gunships. Staggering home in
the early hours, tough-talking prostitutes were everywhere and quick
to remind us that they had more money than we did. "Hello boys," they
would shout. "I bet you would love to get your leg over, wouldn't
ya?" "Well, we had a pound. But that went on Man United and they lost.
So, ..." "Bloody students. Never got any money. I bet you've only
got small ones anyway." "That's your fault, Neil! Do your bloody zip
up. And don't blame the cold weather."
Of course, that kind of dangerous liaison did not appeal to me. There
is little merit in exercising the dangly things only to have the missus
remove them with an A4 notepad at a later date. . Imagine how many
paper cuts that would require. But it was an easy financial lesson
to learn in England.
Very little money equals no gambling and no sex (especially if you
are attached). But here, the rules are slightly different. Very little
money equals sex (attached, also can), but don't even think about
stepping into a casino, or the authorities will have you banished
to Pulau Tekong for immediate execution ... once the Armed Forces
find you, of course.
Singapore is considering plans to build a world-class casino on one
of the neighbouring islands off Sentosa for global gamblers; but not
for the working classes of Singapore. Poor people, you see, cannot
be trusted and will not be permitted.
The casino doorman will ask: "Tell me your background first ... You
are a well-known, but shady, businessman with three companies on the
verge of bankruptcy? ... In you go sir. The blackjack tables are to
your left. . "And you sir? ... You've been a hard-working, taxi driver
for 15 years? ... Piss off, you peasant."
Have you seen one of those American movies where the cops read the
suspects their rights while slipping on the handcuffs? Well, there
are rumours that Singaporean heartlanders are to be read similar rights
by the civil servants. Expect a knock on the door from a man in a
monkey suit (or a monkey in a man's suit) who will say: "Ah Beng?
I'm placing you under Ah Res on the poor list. "You have the right
to be poor. But if you say anything about your poverty in a letter
to the media, it will be used as evidence against you. "You have the
right to appoint an ah long to help you. If you cannot afford an ah
long: Tough shit! "You do not have the right to enter a casino. But
you do have the right to play the lottery, which you have no chance
of winning. Ha! So to keep you happy, you have the right to cheap
sex in Batam."
Yes, if you cannot enjoy a spin of the roulette wheel in Sentosa,
why not enjoy a ride in Batam? Over 600 Singaporean men — single and
married — pay for sex every weekend over there. Condoms not always
included.
So, if the governing powers are determined to capitalise on every
leisure industry known to man, let's develop two islands. Build a
world-class casino on one and a world-class brothel on the other.
Perhaps, rename the Sisters Islands: Rich Island and Poor Island,
where the wealthy can fritter away their savings and the working classes
can fritter away their Viagra. It is both a lucrative money-spinner
and it is "uniquely Singaporean".
The relevant civil service department is keen to explore the idea.
But they are away on some team-building camp in Batam, apparently. |
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